I'm Not Going Anywhere, Starbucks, But There are a Few Things You Could Do For Me, Now That You Ask

Every Starbucks in America was closed today, for three hours, while employees got schooled on stuff like customer service, cleanliness, muffin-handling, that sort of thing. I'm a once-or-twice-a-day Starbucks guy, and--don't worry everybody!--this didn't affect my intake. At all. Brought some from home in the dorky but thermally sound Disneyland travel mug, and the guy at the deli downstairs completely hooked up my afternoon stuff.

But now we're far from my point. My point. Is this. Starbucks is having some issues. Profits and growth are down. They're closing some stores. Yeah, closing. Their sandwiches aren't selling. I'm sure they have it handled, but I'm here to help, right?

Well, Starbucks, while you're doing a little self-reflecting, reading "The Secret" or whatever, I'll offer whatever advice I can.

5 Things You Can Do For Me, Starbucks

1. Fix the smell. Some of my Starbucks smell like eggs. Some of them smell like burnt coffee. Some of them smell like the guy outside. None of the stores I frequent actually smell like coffee when I walk inside, and really, is there a better smell on Earth?
2. Plug the leak on those lids. The cup-lid combo always, always leaks. Right where the seam in the cup comes together. I always turn this around to the back, to minimize it, but you'd think that you, of all global behemoths, would fix that.
3. Brew more choices. I drink black drip coffee, and would love to have a few more choices each day. I'll have the Sumatran, oh, no, the Ethoipian. Loved that before.
4. Spruce up those muffins. Whatever you did when last you reformulated your blueberry muffins, you ruined a good thing.
5. Free WiFi on weekends. Or weeknights. I'd make an extra stop a week, I really would. Maybe two.

What else, do you think?