Who Did the Moon Piss Off, Anyway?

This is how much we love the moon. We love it so much we're sending a spaceship and a giant sledgehammer up there, in an $80 million mission, to slam into the South Pole and sniff what comes up. We're looking for water, see, embedded in the polar soil. For whatever reason. As if that'll change our plans for colonizing that rock and picking it clean.

This is the kind of love we show, after ignoring the thing for nearly four decades.

Hey Mr. and Mrs. NASA and whoever, let's build New Irvine and Upper Skokie, already, and get on with it. Before some nutbag like Alexander Abian gets the president's ear and blows the thing up. No really. Most people forget about this guy. Way back in the '90s, he made a big deal about wanting to blow up the moon. Wipe that thing out of the sky. Guy was a professor at the University of Iowa, too, a professional egghead, and said a moonless Earth would be more stable, predictable and safe. No more seasons, no more hurricanes, that sort of thing. But also, I think he forgot about this, no more moon.