Disney’s Hercules and my daughter’s first beheading

The wife was at a meeting, so I did what any terrible father does and I let everybody watch a movie while we ate salmon burgers, and fries, and fruit.

Which is not a bad dinner, by the way. High five, Trader Joe’s.

This, however, leads to a huge fight over what to whatch, which is pretty common here. The two preschoolers do not want to watch Liv & Maddie, and the 10 year old does not want to watch Octonauts, so we land on the Disney version of Hercules, which isn’t terrible and does not star The Rock.

The songs are okay, and the mythology gets all mixed up, as Zev keeps pointing out. And he’s an expert, having read all the Percy Jackoson books, right?

Now, my two year old daughter has seen a lot of things in movies. She has a 10 year old and a 4 year old brother, and a father who does not look out for her.

She will pick up the Venom (or Zurg, or Darth Maul) action figure and, correctly, declare: “Bad guy.” She started watching TV a full year younger than we let the boys. She’s accurately and adorably identifies villians, and is appropriately scared by things that are scary. I think this is good. It might not be.

So I’m enjoying how she jumps into my arms while Hercules battles what appears to be a dragon. It’s nice to be cuddled. To be needed at a frightening time in life. She thinks it’s fun to get scared, and it is.

“Abba, is scary.”

“It’s OK."

But then Hercules slices off the dragon’s head, FROM INSIDE IT’S NECK. He beheads this thing, from deep within the esophagus, and emerges covered in vital fluids.

My daughter has no reaciton to this.

She’s totally cool with this grisly beheading. And the dozen more that follow, since the dragon turns out to be a hydra, and lopping off a head produces three more.

My little girl has no issues whatsoever with this seperation of head and neck. In fact, she gets up and dances soon afterward. And the movie has far more horrifying things, like the river Styx fillled with floating dead bodies (well, souls), attempted infanticide, Rip Torn.

Anyway. Dig this movie. Lots of fun.

Disney’s Hercules

• Terrible Father rating: 6/10
• Good things: Great songs, introduction to mythology, super positive message about what it takes to be a hero
• Bad things: Beheadings, rivers full of dead bodies, getting mythology all wrong on purpose

Star Trek Bootcamp: How to Introduce Your Kids to the 24th Century

The only two things in this world I take seriously: (1) movies and (2) my kids. With this Star Trek Into Darkness thing coming out, I'm planning to take Zev, but needed to get him up to speed on the Federation and the whole history of the 24th century.

Introducing Star Wars, on the other hand, was easy. I've had that one worked out for decades (feel free to disagree, but know that you're wrong):

1. Watch Episode IV first.
2. Watch it again.
3. Then Empire and Jedi.
4. Take a long break.
5. Introduce the prequels.
6. Pretend The Clones Wars never happened.
7. Rewatch only Empire and Jedi.

Easy.

Star Trek is trickier. There's the original series, 7 seasons each of Next Generation and Deep Space Nine and Voyager, and however much Enterprise, the original movie series, and on and on. There's no clear or easy way in.

Advice I got from two nerd-dad friends: Watch some episodes with Shatner, then maybe some TNG and perhaps Wrath of Khan. A greatest hits approach.

I ignored them and went this way, given that we're dealing with a 21st century kid with things to do and places to be:

1. We talked about why I love Star Trek, the vision for a spacefaring peaceful Earth where exploration, goodwill and curiosity drive galactic progress.  
2. Watched the first JJ Abrams' reboot. It's a good entry and set-up, to both the new stuff and the old.
3. Watched some of the best episodes of Next Generation, starting with "Q Who" and a few of the other Borg episodes. Going to move on to some Data-centric ones. The pacing of the shows is dated and slow, to be honest, but the sci-fi and characters are solid. I could watch it all day and all night.
4. Whatever's next. 

How did you do it? 

Straight Outta Palmdale (From the Archives)

NOTE: I'm collecting some of my all-time favorite stories up here. One in a series.

[Satire, originally published in New Times Los Angeles]

How renegade movie makers in a desolate patch of Mojave suburbia are building a film empire--and making Hollywood drool about the Next Big Thing

THE CITY OF PALMDALE, by any definition, sucks.

It lies at the edge of northern Los Angeles County, a long 70 miles from downtown, even 30 miles past Santa Clarita, the outermost suburb that most people considered habitable. Those who live out here and work in The Big City spend at least four hours a day on the freeway. Those who don't commute spend 24 hours a day in Palmdale, which is worse.

Sure, the place has a mall and all the big releases play here, just like anywhere else. Sure, Lockheed Martin's Skunk Works will keep people employed building the next-generation space shuttle, the X-33, to be tested at nearby Edwards Air Force Base. And, at least, Highway 41 goes through town so the Denny's does OK. Oh, and there's a Metrolink stop.

But at its core, the town is a mistake, a clear argument that Los Angeles can and will come to an end. Less than a decade ago, city planners heralded Palmdale as the last, great frontier of Angelene expansion, the event horizon of growth, a place where a Ward & June could buy a chunk of America and settle down, a Mayberry in the desert, only hotter. But now the suburban dreamland boasts some of the nation's highest rates of domestic and child abuse, and ranks as the foreclosure capital of America. Entire developments of crisp, new tract homes lay vacant, like seas of silent orange stucco, and every half-empty strip mall has at least one storefront touting foreclosure auctions and HUD homes for a very enthusiastic "Zero percent down!"

To most of Los Angeles, Palmdale is a punch line, a big joke in the sand, which, some say, is what makes it perfect for a youth-born revolution in cinema.

And that's where the Biggs brothers come in.

That New Batman Movie Totally Sucked--Except all the Parts That Were Awesome

I saw The Dark Knight and I hated that shit. Well, I didn’t hate all that shit. Very little of that shit did I actually hate. Let's rephrase that. I loved that shit. Most of it, anyway. The action was top notch, with that motorcycle detaching from the car? And that 18-wheeler doing a back flip? And those jumps from tall places? Are you kidding me?

And I have to admit, every actor in this thing brought his game and maybe a little bit more game they borrowed from some well-hung friends. These guys were the heat, this Christian Bale with his high fashions and flexible batsuit. Aaron Eckhart making law enforcement look glam and worthwhile. And nobody needs me to waste valuable space on the Internet telling you how vile and delightful Heath Ledger was. So gay for that guy.

No, the shit I hated was mostly just Maggie Gyllenhaal. She dressed dumpy, looked sleepy and, then, no fault of her own, got off easy, plot-wise. Weak. 

Also weak were the wall-to-wall action sequences involving three or more locations where, honestly, they lost me. They lost characters. They lost whole buses full of characters. They emptied a hospital in three minutes, really? Wait, the Joker get out of his cell? And Gordon’s traitors, what was their deal, exactly? And now just hold on a minute here, how did the Joker get Batman pinned during the crucial fight scene, did I miss something?

But whatever. That’s a movie that sings and soars and kicked my ass and loved doing it. Hardest PG-13 I've ever seen, too. I wouldn’t have let my 12-year-old self see this, and I’d killed a guy or two by then.

Otherwise, gangbusters. Otherwise, second best movie of the year, right after that love story about robots.

High Culture vs. High Culture: The EVIL BONG Trailer...in French

Somebody I work with just landed a part in EVIL BONG II, and what disappoints me most is that I had, somehow, missed EVIL BONG I. The Glenn from two decades ago would have seen that thing three times already. Wedged in between encore viewings of CLASS OF NUKE EM HIGH and CRITTERS II. Anyway, went looking for a trailer and found one, dubbed in French. Which is so clearly how nature intended this to be seen.

Roger Ebert Returns, Yay Roger Ebert, Go Roger Ebert Go

After surgery to remove something cancerous from a salivary gland, and still without the use of his voice, Roger Ebert will get back to the business of writing reviews. Good. For him, and for us. Love this guy, love his writing, love his always open mind about what makes movies good, bad and great. He may also be the last, I really do think, of what most Americans might call actual, honest-to-God movie critics. Nobody else is as totally trusted, or known, and I'm not sure anybody ever will be. The rest of us—and no offense to Manohla or Harry or Lisa—are just writing, however passionately and well, for a niche. Or blogging.

Insta-review: HORTON HEARS A WHO

Real quick, like: Easily the year's best movie about sweet dumb talking elephants and tiny worlds in existential crisis. Plus, the first adaptation to stay True to the Seuss since, like, the Chuck Jones cartoons a lifetime ago. The animation, the flavor, the expansion of the story (already one of Dr. Seuss' "long" books) all just works.

Bonus personal details: Saw this on the Fox lot with Zev, his first critics' screening and, let's see, third-ever movie in a theater. He ate it up. Turned around an buried his head a few times, when the Wickersham Brothers or Vladikov the vulture (Will Arnett! Love Will Arnett) were on-screen. By the end he was chanting and clapping with the Whos, and pretending to play a trumpet, and what else do you want?

Good news for tiny people developing ever-more-complex worldviews: The key for him, and anybody at a fragile age where they're trying to reconcile how Good and Bad can co-exist, it's important that all the bad guys in the story not only get schooled but, as Zev says, "turn good."

Full review: Here.

Bonus bong-related detail: Oh, and here's one of those trippy "sync" videos, with the old Chuck Jones cartoon version of HORTON and The Who's "Teenage Wasteland." Compare and contrast.

New INDIANA JONES Poster Totally and 100 Percent Decoded! Okay, Maybe Only Kinda!

They release this new one-sheet for INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL today. I investigate. Here's what we know, based on this wealth of images:

• There will be huge skinless glowing white heads with bulging eyeballs. We're to believe they're of alien origin. We're to connect them to the "Roswell" crate from the trailer. We're to understand that these are the crystal skulls.
• There will be an angry horde of South American native types. This, as everyone knows, is the hallmark of a great Indy movie.
• It should be noted here that neither aliens nor Soviets are as evil as Nazis.
• Cate Blanchett is hot in bangs, Soviet or otherwise.
• Cate Blanchett is hot with a sword. But why does she have a sword?
• Snakes!
• Karen Allen is REALLY happy to be here. Those cheeks!
• Shia LaBeouf has a lot on his mind.
• Harrison Ford looks better than he did in RETURN OF THE JEDI. Really. Guy looked like ass in that.
• John Rhys-Davies isn't here. Is he too busy with (actual, not-making-these-up, back-to-back sequels) ANACONDA 3 and 4?
• A newsboy cap and a 'stache really take the edge off Ray Winstone. Is he the new John Rhys-Davies?
• Aliens!

Did I miss anything?

I Have No Plans to See THE BANK JOB This Weekend, but I will Admit to Having a Huge Totally-Heterosexual Man-Crush on Jason Statham

If I was a 21st-century action star, I'd so totally be Jason Statham. If he didn't kick my ass first, for, like, trying to be him. Not that there's much else to choose from, except maybe Jason Bourne, and I'm pretty sure he's not even real.

This Statham guy, he's all sleek and Euro. He can kick with power and grace. His nosed is all fucked up, but he still looks great in a suit. It probably even feels dangerous just to be around him.

Plus, look at the movies he's in, this year alone: (a) IN THE NAME OF THE KING, a low-budget sword-n-sorcery deal; (b) THE BANK JOB, a heist movie, and nothing is cooler than a heist movie, except, (c) a remake of DEATH RACE.

These are the movie choices of a Real Man, unafraid of crap dialogue, action clichés and cheap effects. A man who's ready to ride, or race, or fight, no matter what the arena, or the stakes. A man who knows the real action still happens on the edges, and at the bottom, and isn't afraid to dwell there, and be king.

Tony Stark is Still a Dick, but the IRON MAN Trailer Makes Me Feel all Funny Inside

This is out today, and I guess I'll have to put off being totally over superhero movies for another year. The best part is the completely earnest, and oddly appropriate, use of AC/DC. Who has the balls to even attempt using "Back in Black" except as a joke, anymore? Good show. Also appreciate how very un-DARK KNIGHT and post-SPIDER-MAN the effects and attitude are. As much as I'm not into the Iron Man books, especially now in his post-Marvel Civil War Dick Cheneyesque incarnation, this has me hooked. I'm in, Tony. Whatever you need.

Insta-review: SEMI-PRO

Real quick, here's the thing: A second-tier Will Ferrell movie, which means it's funnier than pretty much anything else they're gonna put in theaters this year. Bad basketball, excellent/predictable cameos and bit parts, a few scenes that reach sublime Ferrell-ness. It's no ANCHORMAN, but then, nothing is. On the bright side, it's no BLADES OF GLORY, either. All in all, a total mess that's nothing but a good time.

Bonus details: Caught the screening tonight at the Arclight. Packed house. Free popcorn and sodas--thanks New Line!

Sad fact, or good news, depending on how you look at it: A few of the Old Spice commercials featuring Ferrell's character (see above) are funnier than much of the actual movie. Which means: pretty fucking funny.

UPDATE: My full review is up at E! Online.

Really Expensive Trends That Bore Me—In 3D!

I'm baffled. Today they announce hip-hop dance sequel STEP UP 3-D, which will be, oh great, presented in all three available dimensions.

Nobody really wants 3-D movies. I don't want 3-D movies, do you want 3-D movies? I didn't think so. And I can say with absolutely certainty that, if I stood on the corner with a clipboard and asked strangers, "Hey Moviegoer, what more do you want from your moviegoing experience?" that not a single one of them would ask for more movies in 3-D.

I saw one 3-D flick last year, BEOWULF, and I do have to admit that shit was fly, but mostly because of the Beowulf vs. Sea Serpent melee (best fight scene of '07, easy) and the giant IMAX screen. Not because of the two times Angelina Jolie's hair/whip/tail floated around in the movie theater.

Anyway, I'd round up the upcoming 3-D movies by big-shots like James Cameron, and then go on and on about '80s 3-D classics such as METALSTORM and SPACEHUNTER, but gee it seems we're out of time!

Stupid Movie. Thinks Ancient Animals were Still Around a Few Thousand Years Ago and Whatever. Dumb Movie. Doesn't Know Any Better.

So I was all cranky about this "10,000 B.C." movie. I was all like, that movie's stupid. That movie thinks that there were still saber-toothed cats and mastodons and all those ice-agey animals 12,000 years ago. That’s not that long ago, movie. Those are totally animals from WAY back, and pitting them against cave people and some Mayan/Egyptian/pre-history pyramid builders is just silly.

Anyway, this was for whatever reason bothering me last night so I get out of bed and start looking up saber-toothed cats and mastodons. Turns out the things both went extinct, like, nine and ten thousand years ago. After a run of about 33 million years. So maybe this movie's all about--and I can buy that--the last mastodons, and the last saber-toothed cats. The stragglers. The hangers-on. Sure thing.

So. I'm sorry, movie. My bad.